actually, i have decided to keep this one. dont feel like making a whole nother screen name thing. but yah, lately ive been feeling a bit down (obviously) for certain reasons. i guess sometimes things happen for a reason. man...life does suck when you thought someone likes you when really, they don't. its like an illusion of something that comforts you but then you try to really touch it and get a grasp on it to see if its real then you see it isnt. it really hurts inside. and david, i really liked you alot. i dont know if you knew but i guess not. obviously. and i guess you really didnt like me. heh anyways, im still waiting for the damn plugs to come in. right now they are just both 8s, gona get em to 4s and 6s. ill be cool then.

another thing i have to get off my chest, even though no one probably reads this: i hate i try to be nice to people and then they seem like they are one of your "closer" friends but end up talking shit behind your back. please, just be grateful. dammit.

ok im not deleting this cuz it wont let me but here is my last entry. if anyone still wants to talk to me let me know if not, whatever.

sometimes its hard to please EVERYBODY. i mean i try to be nice but it is never enough. i never know what i want anymore and what i do want i either do get and fuck it up or never am able to get it in the first place. i always build up my hopes for things i would want then something happens, the thing i want gets taken away or i lose my interest in it. and this of course is generally in everything in my life, not just people. anyways, *huge sigh* i dont know what to do. sometimes i want to cry, others i want to scream. and if the stress from that alone is not enough, my family just makes it worse. im not gona complain about how my parents dont let me do what i want and stuff, but its just stressful as fuck. another thing that pisses me off is why do people take everything so personally. its stupid. and i mean, why dont i have more friends? am i not friendly enough? do i come off as a bitch? i duno. and another thing, when i do just ONE thing with a guy, suddenly im a slut when i tell people about it. just cuz i do something with one person when im "fucked" up doesnt mean i lose interest in the person i actually like. and why is it when i try to be "good" and be honest, i get fucked over again and again. life does suck and no this isnt a guilt thing. i dont want people to feel sorry for me. i'm just expressing myself since there really isnt anyone else to tell this stuff too...